Handling Conflict I. Introduction A. As long as humans have interacted, there has been conflict 1. It does not matter the size of the group 2. A marriage, a family, an organization, a company, or even a government or a country! 3. Whenever you have more than one human being involved, you will have matters of disagreement B. Part of the human makeup 1. After all, God made us all to be different in many ways (Romans 12:3-8, 1 Peter 4:10-11) 2. Difference has its value: our differing strengths and weaknesses can complement one another! 3. But difference means that there will be differences of perspective and opinion on various matters C. The question is not if, but when! 1. We can seek to end every kind of conflict, but this is unlikely 2. We do better to consider how we should handle conflicts when they arise so that the end result will involve the encouragement of souls and the edification of the Kingdom! D. God recognizes that we will have conflict, and has provided means by which we can resolve them E. Let us consider from the Scriptures how to resolve conflict II. Conflict and the Scriptures A. What is conflict? 1. A striking or dashing against each other, as of two moving bodies in opposition; a fighting; combat; Contention; strife; contest; Struggling with difficulties; a striving to oppose, or overcome; A struggling of the mind; distress; anxiety; Opposing operations; countervailing action; collision; opposition (Webster's) 2. We recognize that when there is clear disagreement, and both parties contend with each other, conflict is present 3. Yet when there is a mental struggle with another (for whatever reason), even if the other person is not made aware of it, conflict is still really present! B. God has spoken many times regarding conflicts C. Matthew 5:23-24 1. Context: a man in the midst of conflict 2. Jesus tells him to first go reconcile to his brother, then make his offering D. Matthew 18:15-17 1. Context: a brother sinning 2. Such presents a conflict between their conduct and God's standard! 3. Resolution: go to that brother in private, appeal to him 4. If that fails, bring in witnesses; if that fails, take it to the church 5. If they will not heed the church, let him be as a Gentile or tax collector E. Acts 15 1. Doctrinal conflict: Gentiles and the Law of Moses 2. Considered by Apostles, elders in Jerusalem 3. Cases made on the basis of the Scriptures, the work of God among the Gentiles 4. Resolution determined by the Holy Spirit, Apostles, elders F. Romans 14 1. Conflict: whether to eat meats or not 2. Paul advises the brethren to work together, not to put a stumbling block in the ways of others 3. The "strong": give up your liberty willingly to not cause offense 4. The "weak": do not condemn the “strong” for their belief G. Galatians 2:11-14 1. Conduct conflict: Peter's hypocrisy 2. Paul stands and opposes him to his face, indicates his error H. We can recognize that we will have conflict, and we have guidance here about how to handle conflict I. What are we to do? III. Handling Conflict A. We must first recognize that the conflict must, indeed, be dealt with! 1. In all the examples we've considered, we have not seen a conflict that was left open and unresolved 2. There is even an expectation to resolve conflicts when they arise! 3. If something has been said or done that causes enough difficulty to cause anxiety, anger, strain, frustration, or the like, and a disagreement is present about something, it ought to be dealt with in some way! 4. Proverbs 12:25; 14:10; 15:13 B. We can also see that the conflict must be dealt with personally and with the person(s) involved! 1. In the examples we considered, we did not see anyone talking behind the backs of others; we see that the people themselves spoke to the other party in the conflict 2. It was not left to simmer and boil over in another time of difficulty! 3. It was also not taken to a preacher or elder or someone else for them to deal with it! 4. If we have a cause of conflict with another, we must follow God's commands and examples and ourselves deal with them C. Yet how should we deal with these conflicts? D. Pray 1. 1 Thessalonians 5:17, James 1:5-7, 1 Peter 5:6-7 2. God cares for us, desires us to cast our anxieties on Him, and desires us to seek after His wisdom! 3. If we can pray regarding the conflict unreservedly to God, it means that we either have a conflict that does need addressing or we've become quite hardened in heart! 4. We ought to ask God for wisdom in instruction about how to handle the conflict 5. We should pray for humility, gentleness, and respect, so that we may be able to win over our brother (cf. Colossians 4:6) E. Seek counsel 1. If you have questions about how to handle the conflict, or even if it is worth addressing with others, you can also seek counsel from brethren you trust and respect 2. The elders, the deacons, the evangelist, or another strong brother or sister 3. You can ask them what they think about the situation and what they think you should do 4. There is no need to bring up names at the beginning! F. Assess the Conflict 1. What is the nature of the conflict? 2. Is it a matter of Biblical significance, a matter of liberty, or a matter of personal preference (cf. Romans 14:17)? 3. Is the disagreement significant enough and bothersome enough to need addressing, or is it something that we must overcome personally? 4. If we pray about it and gain counsel about it, we can get other eyes to see the situation, and can better assess what to do next G. Consider Ourselves 1. Assuming the conflict is of significance, we should then consider ourselves 2. What are we trying to do in this conflict? Whose purposes are we serving? 3. Are we being humble servants of God who seek to encourage each other to work in God's Kingdom, or are we being judgmental hypocrites (Ephesians 4:11-16 versus Matthew 7:1-5)? H. Approaching the Conflict 1. We then must provide some forethought in how we will handle the conflict 2. No one likes being wrong, and no one likes being confronted with disagreements 3. We must take special care to conduct ourselves properly! 4. Psalm 4:4 / Proverbs 15:28: consider how we will speak 5. 1 Peter 3:16: we ought to speak with gentleness and respect 6. 1 Corinthians 13: our actions should be done out of love, and our words and actions ought to reflect the attributes of love 7. Romans 14:8-13: we must remember that we are approaching fellow children of God who have equal worth and dignity in the eyes of God, and we are no better or worse than they, and to treat them appropriately I. Speak with the Person(s) 1. Having done these things, we can speak with the person(s) involved with our concerns 2. If we win them over, well and good J. The Next Step (Matthew 18) 1. If the person(s) involved will not listen, then we must take it to witnesses 2. This may be when the elders get involved, if necessary 3. If they will still not hear, it may need to be taken to the whole church 4. If it is a matter of sin, then the person may need to be disassociated from 5. If it is not necessarily a matter of sin, you have at least done what you are required to do, and God will judge in the end (Romans 14:12) IV. Conclusion A. Conflicts are bound to come up whenever people are involved B. What are we going to do about them? C. Are we going to talk about it with everyone but the people involved, avoid confrontation, and let disagreements turn into strife, contention, and discord, which is sin (Galatians 5:19-21)? D. Or are we going to follow the commands and examples of the Bible and personally with love speak with the one with whom there is conflict so that resolution may be gained, and everyone can move on and get back to building up the Kingdom? E. The choice is ours! F. Let us strive to have the courage to follow God's will and handle conflicts when they arise! G. Invitation/songbook Scripture, Meditation, and Application 1: So that there may be no division in the body, but the members may have mutual concern for one another (1 Corinthians 12:25). Conflict is bound to come up whenever people come or work together. God has made everyone with different skills and abilities; such difference can be our strength, but it can also be our undoing if we divide into competing or hostile factions. In Christ God has worked to reconcile people, not divide them. We must do all we can to effectively manage conflict and difference. How can we strive to make sure no division arises in the Body of Christ? 2: "So then, if you bring your gift to the altar and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and present your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24). The New Testament provides many examples of conflicts between Christians. They all were to be resolved. Unresolved conflict easily festers into division and all sorts of ungodliness. We cannot presume we can stand before God in reconciled relationship while we remain unreconciled to our fellow people. Jesus made this plain in an evocative description in Matthew 5:23-24: it is better to travel many days to reconcile with another than to attempt to make an offering before God while unreconciled. Why is reconciliation important in the face of conflict? 3: Therefore we must not pass judgment on one another, but rather determine never to place an obstacle or a trap before a brother or sister (Romans 14:13). Far too many conflicts between Christians involve matters which prove transient or of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. In such circumstances the issue is rarely the issue; it often reflects insecurities, power plays, ignorance, dogmatism, and a heaping dose of judgmentalism. Such is why Jesus and the Apostles continually exhort Christians to remain humble, to focus on love and how to build up one another, and to exhibit less emphasis and focus on oneself. Only then can we truly love one another and jointly participate in ways which glorify God. What proves necessary for us to work together well? 4: "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault when the two of you are alone. If he listens to you, you have regained your brother" (Matthew 18:15). While many conflicts involve mundane matters, some conflicts come about on account of real and painful sin and transgression. A brother or sister in Christ ought to have a forgiving spirit, yet always unto the goal of reconciliation. We must pray and consider ourselves deeply to make sure we have a good understanding of the issue and whether it merits an intervention. If it does, we ought to follow the principles of showing the fault to our brother or sister so as to allow them to confess, save face, and reconcile in relationship. If they cannot thus swallow their pride and resist accountability, the matter must then be brought again in the presence of witnesses; if they continue to refuse to hear, they lamentably must be treated as alienated from God's people. No one should enjoy these conversations or this process, yet it proves vital when relationships are damaged by sin and require reconciliation to glorify God in Christ. In what ways can we manage conflicts well?