The Principles of Christian Dating I. Introduction A. Today we consider an age old process B. The Bible does not really speak much about it 1. It was not much of an issue for people in ancient times 2. Dating! 3. Most marriages arranged in the past 4. Believers told what not to do: fornicate (1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 7:1-2)! 5. So what are believers supposed to do? C. A difficult environment for Christians 1. Lasciviousness is everywhere 2. Fornication not only accepted but expected from most 3. Hypersexualized culture 4. "Sexual freedom" abounds-- a lot of action, not a lot of responsibility D. A decision not to be taken lightly! 1. One could consider this the second most important decision in life! 2. It should be seen as the one chance we get for a lifelong partner! 3. You very well might be living with this person for as long as 75 years! 4. "Casual dating" should be seen as inconsistent with the Christian ethic 5. Dating a serious business! E. What is the process? 1. Choosing a potential mate 2. Getting to know the potential mate 3. How to act during the relationship 4. Making the decision to marry L. Let us consider the principles of Christian Dating II. Choosing a Potential Mate A. All kinds of factors go into choosing a potential mate B. For believers, however, the fundamental question involves their attitude toward God 1. Is the potential mate a Christian, or willing to learn of God? 2. To support a "mixed marriage" is very difficult (cf. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18) 3. Therefore, believers ought to marry fellow Christians! C. Why? 1. There are enough pressures on a relationship-- there must be some agreement on principles of faith and life (Ephesians 5:22-6:4) 2. If your partner is not a Christian, they may not share your view of the permanence of the covenant, and may be more likely to divorce 3. There should be fewer contentions about how to support the family and raise children! 4. Christians are more likely to keep encouraging one another in serving Christ and assembling; an unbeliever or denominationalist may not encourage such things 5. You should both have the primary purpose of helping each other obtain the resurrection of life (Philippians 3:11-14)! D. Attraction 1. For a relationship to last, there must be some level of attraction! 2. For most, externals are considered a. The first thing most people notice! b. Varying levels of importance for various people c. The appearance of the mate should be pleasing d. Remember: over the years, things will change! 3. Yet the internal should be the most important (cf. 1 Timothy 2:9-10, 1 Peter 3:3-6) a. Does the prospective partner have a beautiful temperament, disposition, and attitude? b. Few things are less tolerable than a beautiful exterior and an ugly interior! c. Are there positive personality characteristics? d. Remember: the externals will change; the internal is much less likely to change! III. Getting to Know Your Potential Mate A. Communication 1. The next most essential aspect to a relationship 2. Are you really able to communicate with the potential partner? 3. Do you trust them enough to tell them everything and anything? 4. Do you trust that they are telling you everything? B. Personalities 1. Everyone has a personality, and they are all different 2. Sometimes opposites attract; at other times, we look for people like ourselves or our family 3. Regardless of personality, there must be some levels of agreement or complementarity a. Big picture and/or details b. Intense and/or laid back c. Interests d. Food choices C. Idiosyncrasies and Other Irritants 1. Everyone has idiosyncrasies 2. During the beginning of relationships, negatives are forgotten or minimized 3. Yet such is not healthy-- they will become evident over time! 4. Such are difficult to change, also 5. Can you endure the idiosyncrasies and temperament of the partner for 50-75 years? D. Questions for the Christian 1. Does this person have a prayerful, submissive attitude towards God? 2. Men: would your girlfriend qualify for some of the points in Proverbs 31:10-31? Will they submit (Ephesians 5:22; 33b)? Does she dress modestly (1 Peter 3:5)? Is her conduct consistent with 1 Timothy 2:9-15? Titus 2:4-5? 3. Women: will your boyfriend love you as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25)? Or as his own flesh (Ephesians 5:28-29)? Will he live in an "understanding way" with you (1 Peter 3:7)? Will he fall into the categories of Titus 2:6-7? 4. Do you both understand the permanence of marriage (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4-9)? 5. Do you both understand that even if a spouse commits sexually deviant behavior, God still hates divorce (Malachi 2:16)? IV. How to Act During the Relationship A. The Ever-Present Danger of Fornication 1. There is a reason why it is better to marry than to burn (1 Corinthians 7:9)! 2. The stronger a relationship grows, the more difficult it is to maintain self-control! 3. Boundaries must be established in advance! B. Where Should the Boundary Be? 1. None is explicitly given in Scripture 2. Nevertheless, consider Matthew 5:27-30 and 1 Corinthians 7:1-9 3. Some things that should be considered: a. What experiences are special to me? b. What if we break up? What conduct would cause me embarrassment and shame? c. How would I feel if someone I was dating had done this thing previously with another? Would I think less of them? If the relationship does not work out, would what I have done detract from another relationship? d. Will I feel guilt and shame over this thing? e. How will my relationship with God be impacted if I do this thing? C. Make sensible choices and learn as much as you can about your potential mate! V. Making the Decision to Marry A. Remember: once the vows have been made, the covenant is sealed 1. We must consider the covenant unbreakable-- fused inseparably 2. You will have no choice but to live with this person the rest of your lives together B. Have you thought it through enough? 1. Sexual pressures lead to many marriages 2. Do you want more than just the physical relationship? 3. Think of the person's personality and demeanor-- can you live with it? 4. Can you trust this person? C. The fundamental questions must again be considered! 1. Is this person a Christian? Do they act like it? 2. Do we communicate well? 3. Do we really love each other? Or are we just using each other? 4. Do we realize that love is a verb and demands action (1 Corinthians 13:1-8)? 5. Do we trust each other? Do we withhold any information from each other? 6. Can we get along? Do we enjoy each other's presence? 7. Do I recognize the person's faults and/or idiosyncrasies, and can I live with them/love the person for them? 8. Is this person responsible? Will they perform their God-given duties to the best of their ability? 9. Does the person share the same attitudes toward marriage that I do? 10. Is this person abusive? Easily angered? Do I ever feel threatened around this person? 11. Is this person's attitude proper? What is this person's language like? D. We must also consider those nagging hypothetical situations! 1. If you were to cheat on him/her, could and would you confess it to him/her? 2. If you did not enjoy something the person really enjoys, could you tell the person? 3. If something terrible were to happen to you, would this person still love you and stay with you? 4. If you were to doubt God, would this person try to uplift you? E. Keep in mind that people do not act any nicer or put on a better presentation than before the commitment is made! F. Furthermore, it is not done until the vows are said 1. If you realize in mid-engagement that the person is not right, get out 2. Better to lose some money than to spend a lifetime in misery! 3. It is never too late until you reach the "altar"! VI. Conclusion A. The dating process is the second most important process in life B. It is made more difficult by our modern environment, but holiness and self-control remain possible! C. We must be sober-minded about the decision of who we marry D. Let us strive to marry a fellow Christian and establish a marriage that honors God! E. Invitation/songbook