Serving Jesus in Relationships I. Prayer II. Introduction A. Our culture has a big lie of “it is all about you and your agency”; it can also be seen as our culture’s god, the Cult of the Individual 1. On a philosophical level one can see this as the ultimate end of the political and cultural liberalism of the past two hundred and fifty years: the ultimate freedom of the individual as the telos of governance and politics 2. We absolutely see it in the sexual ethos of the age: do what you will with consent, and any restriction on sexual license from above is anathema 3. Yet we also see the same philosophy at work in regards to commitment to the common good, payment of taxes for common services, and the overall skepticism and hostility which has been engendered not only towards the government but also toward any kind of social, cultural, and even religious institution 4. In many respects it is not new: the goal of the middle class is to prove self-sufficient, requiring neither the familial or governmental assistance consistent with the poor, or the networking consistent with the wealthy: “I have worked hard and have built up this comfortable life I enjoy” 5. Those with eyes to see have watched the continual disintegration of community and communal bonds for at least 500 years, highly accelerated in our modern fragmented society 6. Never before have members of the same family lived so far apart from each other, or move as frequently; never before has so little confidence been placed in mediating institutions which are to convey a sense of community and meaning in life beyond one’s personal striving 7. But has any of this really made us any happier? Even if we find almost perfect personal satisfaction, are we truly satisfied? Or do we still have some lack gnawing at us? B. God, our Creator, expressed a great and profound truth: it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18) 1. Granted, in context, God speaks of man’s need to have a woman around (Genesis 2:19-24) 2. Nevertheless, the statement rings true for everyone: we were not made in isolation, or to be alone 3. Genesis 1:26-27, John 17:20-23, Romans 1:18-20: God made mankind in His image; we see the divine nature in our creation; the divine nature is God as One in Three Persons, manifesting relational unity, and so man was made to be in relationship with God and with his fellow man! 4. Despite the idolization of the Lone Ranger in modern society, people have always functioned best and most effectively in community, and God has always called to Himself a (plural) people, a collective through whom He could manifest His glory! C. We might like our alone time, but none of us want to always and truly be alone; we yearn for life in relationships! D. We do well to explore how we can serve Jesus in relationships today 1. What has Jesus said about how we serve Him in specific relationships, and to what end? 2. What modern challenges do we find in maintaining relationships in ways which glorify Jesus? 3. How can we most effectively suffuse our relationships with Jesus’ light and lordship today? III. Serving Jesus in Marriage A. We begin with the relationship which we most often associate with the term, and the most intimate: marriage B. God established the covenant of marriage as the proper quarters for the expression of sexual desire, the production of offspring, and continual mutual care: Genesis 2:24, Song of Solomon, Matthew 19:4-6, Hebrews 13:4 C. Malachi 2:14: marriage rightly seen as a covenant and all that entails D. Throughout the Scriptures marriage is a powerful metaphor in salvation history 1. Throughout the prophets YHWH speaks to Israel as a husband to his faithless wife, appealing for her to turn aside from adultery and whoredom (e.g. Hosea 1-3, Ezekiel 16) 2. In Ezekiel 16 Ezekiel will conceive of the entire relationship between Israel and YHWH in terms of preparation for marriage, marriage, and then Israel’s faithlessness in adultery and whoredom! 3. In the New Testament much is made of Jesus as the Bridegroom and the church as the bride: Ephesians 5:22-33, yes, but also Matthew 9:15, 25:1-13, Revelation 19:6-10, 21:9 4. And so Ephesians 5:31-32: Christ and the church as in a spiritually intimate relationship far more profound than the one established in marriage 5. Thus, whenever God has desired to communicate the type of intimacy in relationship He wishes to have with His people, to convey His covenant loyalty in the face of faithlessness, and to portray the ultimate goal of God’s working in and through Christ, it is by means of the illustration of marriage! E. All of this must be brought to bear on the New Testament passages speaking of how husbands and wives serve Jesus in their marriage: 1 Corinthians 7:1-40, Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Peter 3:1-7 1. The marriage bed is undefiled: the husband’s body is not his own, but his wife’s, and the wife’s is not her own, but her husband’s, and they ought to not deprive one another of each other save for time dedicated to prayer 2. The wife is to make the freewill decision and offering to subject herself to her husband and submit to him as the church does to Christ 3. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church: to sacrifice for her willingly, to endure suffering for and from her in patience, not responding with evil or defensiveness, but nourishing and cherishing her as his own flesh, as Christ does the church F. So much of the difficulty we have with what is said is based on the distortions, abuses, and difficulties in application, past and present 1. For far too long Christians proved silent or complicit in cultures which denigrated women as inferior to men and as second-class citizens 2. These passages did not justify such a posture; weakness in 1 Peter 3:7 does not negate the equality in standing of Galatians 3:28, and is better understood in terms of handling precious objects versus everyday, common ones 3. So many caricature Paul’s teachings as if they give license for abuse and authoritarianism: no quarter is given for such things, for the husband is to love his wife as his own flesh; abuse is right out! 4. Yet we also have the modern distortions as well: commitment only “as long as love shall last”; marriage relationships that are essentially transactional; and expecting far more out of the spouse in terms of personal fulfillment and satisfaction than anyone could realistically provide G. A major challenge of all marriage talk is the abstraction and generalities: most want to go towards the practical: what does it look like to serve Jesus in marriage? 1. Abstraction and generalities are given for two wise and interrelated reasons: the Scriptures speak in generalities, and no two marriages are exactly alike a. We can easily identify the extremes of abuses: unloving spouses, abusive spouses, domineering/authoritarian spouses, etc. b. Yet we wade into very dangerous waters when we presume to judge whether a given husband is truly loving his wife, or if a given wife is truly submissive to her husband! c. What headship and submission looks like will, to some degree, vary among Christian couples, based on the personality traits, gifts, struggles, and difficulties of each and both members 2. We do well to consider each in terms of what has been revealed 3. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her: a good question therefore is what did the church do to Christ? a. Romans 5:6-11, 2 Corinthians 5:21: Jesus was the sin offering for us, dying while we were yet sinners b. In a very real way, each and every Christian can see themselves in the crowd, calling for Jesus’ crucifixion, reviling, etc. c. Thus C. S. Lewis in The Four Loves: “This headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is - in her own mere nature - least lovable. For the Church has not beauty but what the Bride-groom gives her; he does not find, but makes her, lovely. The chrism of this terrible coronation is to be seen not in the joys of any man's marriage but in its sorrows, in the sickness and sufferings of a good wife or the faults of a bad one, in his unwearying (never paraded) care or his inexhaustible forgiveness: forgiveness, not acquiescence.” d. Thus all men do well to look at marriage, to a degree, like the crucifixion: not only in being able to absorb her pain and invective directed at you without responding in kind, but also in displaying love that does not seek its own, but sacrificially yearning for the best for the beloved e. A husband serves Jesus in his marriage by loving his wife independently of her performance, to accept her as she is but willing to sacrifice anything and everything but the faith in order to see her grow in Christ and as a person, to love her especially at her most unlovable, and uphold that covenant commitment throughout life no matter what may come 4. The most beautiful expression of the husband faithful to Jesus is less the sappy expressions at a wedding and more the loving, tender care given to a wife of many decades as she slips away in dementia, Alzheimer’s, or from cancer, so that she knows, despite all the pain, that she was loved and cared for no matter what, or even if she can no longer know, she remains loved: it may cost almost everything, with little benefit, but that’s the call of serving Jesus in marriage 5. The wife is to submit to her husband in all things as to the Lord, as the church does to Christ, and respect him a. The initial reaction to such a claim is understandable: “but he ain’t Jesus.” b. Indeed, he’s not Jesus; for some, as seen in 1 Peter 3:1ff, he does not even honor Jesus as Lord c. A Christian woman’s husband will never earn, deserve, or merit her love, her submissiveness, her willingness to be his champion and cheerleader, to uphold him in honor and respect no matter what he may endure; yet this is the freewill offering she is to provide for him d. For any marriage to work, in truth, each partner will have to sacrifice something of what they wanted in life in order to join together and make a shared life, but the sacrifices have always been greater for women, and most likely always will be greater, even if full equality could somehow be socially achieved e. She may think she knows better, and she just might; it is very difficult to follow the leadership of another, but as it is with the church and Christ, so with wives and husbands, and a husband who is undermined by his wife will not be able to grow and develop into an effective leader f. The Christian wife is no doubt in a precarious position; she must give consideration to these matters before marrying, and the people of God ought to find ways to support women whose husbands prove domineering, abusive, and the like g. A Christian woman need not become a doormat to serve Jesus in her marriage; a wise husband will seek his wife’s counsel and take it seriously; and yet the wife is called to give the grace of following his lead, to uphold and honor him no matter what, to see what is honorable and good even in the midst of the most challenging circumstances 6. The most beautiful expression of the wife faithful to Jesus, likewise, is less about the sappiness at the wedding, and more about building him up in the midst of great defeats in life, to remain faithful, committed, respectful, and honoring him even when his strength has failed and he cannot be what he wishes he could be for her, a love and respect not dependent on performance, but a gift of love and respect offered independently of the husband’s “worthiness” H. This level of commitment is very counter-cultural, but this is really what we seek in marriage: a partner with whom to navigate the storms of life, the one person on whom we can depend no matter what; such is why the betrayal of a spouse in adultery or abandonment is so profoundly painful, for it is to be the ripping away of a part of you! IV. Serving Jesus in Families A. Family remains important in modern society, but has lost its pride of place; it is easy to justify jettisoning family commitments in the name of self-advancement B. And yet all passages speaking to family speaks of the importance of honoring the shared bond of family: Matthew 15:1-9, Ephesians 6:1-4, Colossians 3:20-21, 1 Timothy 5:3-16 C. Parents are to raise their children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:3-4) 1. Too often this command is looked at primarily didactically: take the kids to church, have Bible studies at home, etc. 2. And yet it is really a call to embody Jesus in the home: show them what it means to follow Jesus through your example and teaching 3. Children have great hypocrisy detectors, and have the gift of innocence: they often see what is real, and not what is a pretense 4. Despite all the hand-wringing, Proverbs 22:16 is accurate: with only a miniscule number of exceptions, whatever you see reflected in your children as they get older is what they saw embodied in the home 5. Parents can only truly serve Jesus as parents by modeling Jesus to their children in word and in deed! D. Children are to honor their parents in the Lord (Ephesians 6:1-2) 1. Too often this command is seen in terms of giving lip service respect; parents should certainly not be demeaned, but as Jesus makes clear in Matthew 15:1-9, to honor parents is to make provision for them in their old age 2. This is far easier for some children to do than others! 3. Yet the only qualifier, according to Paul, is “in the Lord”; whatever parents would have you do contrary to the will of Christ must not be obeyed (Acts 5:29) 4. Indeed, many parents have not acted in honorable ways, and children will find it very hard to honor that kind of parent 5. It is a freewill offering which is to be made, not dependent on the worthiness of the parent 6. What that looks like may vary according to circumstance, but we cannot just jettison parents entirely because of pain, indifference, or to advance ourselves E. Family members should provide for family members, close and extended (1 Timothy 5:3-16) 1. Family members can very literally be a drag; yet we must do what we can to provide for family members 2. They ought to see Jesus in us in word and deed; to serve Jesus in those relationships, no matter how tenuous, we must prove loving, caring, and charitable 3. Appropriate boundaries ought to be maintained, and we must still obey God rather than man if family puts us in a position to sin (Matthew 10:34-39) 4. We must take care of our people according to the flesh! F. We do well to consider the higher level question: why family, anyway? 1. Israel was organized according to tribe, clan, and family; family is taken for granted in the New Testament 2. There are the not suitable for work reasons why parents have children, but on a higher level, as God shared in love in relational unity and wished to share that love with offspring, which is mankind, thus a man and a woman who share in love will want that love to expand and manifest itself in a child who is the composite of the man and the woman (Acts 17:27-29, 1 John 4:8) 3. In parenthood one learns much more about their heavenly Father, and learns a selfless love, to see one’s own heart outside of the body walking around, and to know what it means to pour into another so deeply as to never be able to be replenished, and to be perfectly fine with it 4. The goal of parenthood is not necessarily a successful, halfway decent kid who themselves has kids (yay grandkids!), but to share in relationship, even though that relationship changes 5. The child learns who they are in their family, and is to learn unconditional love and acceptance from their parents, and to be grounded in what relational unity looks like; the more they see Jesus in their parents, the more likely they will be to follow Him 6. Family is to be there for you when no one else is, a place you belong even if forsaken by others; we may not be able to depend on this from others, but weought to be thus dependable in Christ! G. For this reason the church is reckoned as the household of God, with God as Father, Christ as elder Brother, and fellow believers as brothers and sisters (Ephesians 2:18-22, 1 Timothy 3:15, etc.): our spiritual family is to be there for one another when no one else is, a place of real and true belonging, those on whom we can depend, and where we find love and acceptance independent of performance; we should be our people! V. Serving Jesus as a Friend A. Friendship can easily become one of the great trials in life 1. As young people we tend to make friends easily among our peers at school or in common extracurricular practices 2. Even in college we have many opportunities to make friends among those with whom we share living spaces or classes 3. Yet, as we go off on our own, friendships seem harder to maintain and even harder to develop 4. The new joke: we ought to find out how Jesus accomplished what might be His greatest miracle, to maintain 12 friends in His thirties! 5. Life without friends can be lonely; life with friends is also no picnic, for the pain of betrayal by a close friend is very real, and attested in Psalm 55 B. Proverbs 18:24: to get many friends is to invite destruction, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother 1. Solomon offers good wisdom here: a person who has many friends really has no friends, because one simply cannot dig deeply with many people 2. What we yearn for in friendship is that friend who is closer than a brother, a Jonathan for a David, that person in your life who has no real primal reason to be there for you but is even when no one else is there, or, as the young kids say, their “ride or die” C. Friendship is good, but friendship has all too often become transactional 1. We need good friends in life, because we need companions who can speak truth to us, who care for us, and who are not married to us or related to us 2. It is hard enough to be a husband or wife; it is nearly impossible to be both a spouse and the major support system for the other 3. Yet, in the high esteem of the individual and what benefits the individual, we now see that people are more than happy to be friendly with you and seem like friends as long as they derive benefit from the relationship 4. But if more demands are made in the relationship than what is being obtained, or if problems arise, such “friends” will tell you that you really should get together, and it becomes very evident that there wasn’t any dependability there D. To serve Jesus among one’s friends, you must become that loyal, dependable friend 1. As in all things, yes, we must embody Jesus to our friends 2. We must love our friends like Jesus loved the Apostles: He welcomed them as friends in the moments just before they all abandoned Him, and did so knowing they would abandon Him (John 15:15) 3. To this end we must commit to prioritizing those whom we deem our friends, and to be open to cultivating new friendships; friendships prove difficult to maintain because they are often not as prioritized as other commitments 4. Our friends ought to be able to trust that we will be there for them no matter what; even if we cannot approve of their behaviors at times, they will know we love them and seek their best interest even, and especially, when they do not E. John 15:13 indeed: greater love has no man than this than to lay down his life for his friends, and so must our disposition be! VI. Conclusion A. Modern society has an ambivalent posture toward relationships 1. Society exalts the individual and his or her agency: “my best life” 2. Relationships are messy: they might provide benefit and stability, but they also can get very ugly and draining 3. Many have convinced themselves that life is better relatively alone B. Our society’s greatest illness is its ambivalence toward relationships; far too many people are sacrificing their mental health, their life’s meaning, and even their own lives on the altar of the Cult of the Individual C. Let none be deceived: we were not made to live alone, but to share life in relationships in marriage, in the family, and among friends D. Relationships are messy, for people are messy; and yet who is our example but Jesus, who came and humbled Himself, taking on humanity in its messiness, dying on account of and for all that ugliness? E. To this end we ought to embody Jesus in our relationships to glorify Jesus in them 1. The husband must love his wife as Christ loved the church, sacrificially giving of himself, loving and cherishing her independently of her performance, committed through the good times and bad; the wife must respect her husband and submit to him as the church does to Christ, trusting in him, building him up independently of his performance, committed through the good times and bad; each gives of him or herself to the other, allowing each to find rest in mutual love, acceptance, and commitment 2. Parents must embody Christ to their children so they will grow up to follow Him; children are to honor their parents for the great sacrifices they have made, and to be there for their parents as their parents were there for them; extended family ought to receive provision and support, for family is to be there for one another no matter what 3. There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother, and we ought to be that friend, displaying Christ to our friends; friendship is healthy and good, even in its ugliness, for we cannot do this on our own; we ought to be the friend we want to have! F. In all of this we know that people fail in relationships; yet God in Christ has not failed, but has continued to display His covenant loyalty to His people, and we may have the confidence that if God is for us, who can be against us, and that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:31-39) G. May we embody Jesus in our relationships, trusting in God in Christ for strength and wisdom through the Spirit, and obtain eternal life in relational unity with God and with the people of God for eternity! H. Invitation Scripture, Meditation, and Application 1: And YHWH God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18). Modern society has exalted the individual and his/her freedom of choice above all things. Yet humans were not made to be alone; we are made in the image of the God who is the Three in One, manifesting relational unity. Life is best lived in relationships with our fellow man. May we seek relational unity with God and His people now and for eternity in the resurrection of life! 2: Let marriage be had in honor among all, and let the bed be undefiled: for fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Hebrews 13:4). Marriage is not to be transactional or conditional, but a lifelong covenant. Husbands must love their wives as Christ loved the church, suffering whatever it takes to cherish and build her up in her life and faith. Wives must respect their husbands and be subject to them as the church is to Christ, offering the freewill gift of trust, encouragement, and honor. Spouses are to do this independent of the “worthiness” of the other, as Christ has loved us despite ourselves. The greatest display of love and respect in marriage is to see couples caring for each other after all the decades and without personal reward. May we all hold marriage in honor, and may husbands and wives seek to embody Jesus in their marriage relationship! 3: But if any provideth not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). Families are supposed to be there for one another. Parents are to display Jesus to their children in word and deed so they will grow up to follow Him. Children are to honor their parents in the Lord; this is to be a freewill gift given no matter how worthy the parents might be. Extended family members should receive necessary provisions. Family is not to be seen as a nice side benefit or emergency plan, but a place to belong and in which to participate. May we embody Jesus in our physical family relationships, and value the people of God as our spiritual family! 4: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). We all want the friend who sticks closer than a brother. We seem to make friends easily when young and find it increasingly difficult to maintain or develop friendships as we age. Friends can be there when no one else is; friends can deeply hurt and betray. We ought to be the loyal, dependable friend who reflects Jesus in all things. We must understand that to be a friend requires sacrifice and commitment, and look to Jesus, who called His disciples His friends even though they were about to abandon Him. May we prove to be friends to our friends, to show great love and care for them, and entrust ourselves truly to Christ our greatest Friend, and find salvation, strength, and refuge in Him!